Loving Difficult People Without Losing Yourself
Settle In
Welcome, friends.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of The Chaplain Writer Digest.
I hope you can find a quiet moment, perhaps with a cup of coffee or tea, to slow down, take a breath, and reflect with me.
This week, I have been thinking about what it means to love difficult people without allowing their behavior to consume us. Jesus’ words are clear, but they are not easy:
So, pull up a chair. Let’s think about this together.
What I’m Thinking
“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
Matthew 5:44
Some people are simply difficult to love. It might not sound very spiritual, but it is honest.
Sometimes the difficult person is someone we see only once in a while. Other times, they are right there with us at the kitchen table, at work, in our church, or even in our own family.
They might be demanding, critical, dismissive, manipulative, or unpredictable. Sometimes, they misunderstand our intentions, ignore our boundaries, or keep bringing up old wounds we are trying to heal.
Sometimes, the hardest part is that they may never realize what they are doing.
Jesus tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who hurt us. These words are familiar, but they feel much heavier when we think about someone who has actually wounded us.
It’s one thing to talk about loving difficult people in a Bible study. It’s something else entirely to put it into practice after a painful conversation, an unfair accusation, an unanswered message, or another moment that leaves us feeling drained.
Loving difficult people can become especially confusing for Christians because we sometimes assume that love requires unlimited access.
We may believe that forgiving someone means immediately trusting them again. We may think patience means tolerating harmful behavior. We may remain in unhealthy situations because establishing a boundary feels unkind or unchristian.
But biblical love is not the absence of wisdom.
Jesus loved people perfectly, yet He did not entrust Himself to everyone. He withdrew from crowds, confronted hypocrisy, refused manipulative demands, and sometimes walked away from those who were determined not to hear Him.
He remained loving without becoming controlled by others’ expectations.
That distinction matters.
Loving someone does not mean allowing that person to repeatedly injure you. Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust. Reconciliation requires truth, repentance, and the willingness of both people to repair what has been broken.
Sometimes love draws near. Sometimes love speaks honestly. Sometimes love establishes a boundary. And sometimes love releases another person into God’s care because continuing to carry responsibility for changing them is slowly destroying our own peace.
The central truth I keep returning to is this: God does not ask us to love others by abandoning the person He created us to be.
We can pray for someone and still limit our contact with them. We can forgive someone while acknowledging that the relationship is no longer safe. We can wish them well without repeatedly returning to the same destructive pattern.
A boundary is not always a rejection. Sometimes it is the clearest way of saying, “I will not hate you, but I also will not allow this behavior to continue shaping my life.”
Jesus shows us that love can be both tender and truthful.
At the cross, He prayed for those who crucified Him. He offered mercy to people who neither understood nor deserved it. Yet His love was not passive or weak. It confronted sin, spoke truth, and remained rooted in His relationship with the Father.
That may be part of the invitation in Matthew 5:44. Jesus is not asking us to pretend the wound never happened. He is asking us not to let the wound determine who we become.
When we pray for those who have hurt us, something begins to loosen within us. Prayer may not immediately change the other person, but it can keep bitterness from becoming the permanent atmosphere of our hearts.
We stop rehearsing revenge. We release the need to control the outcome. We place the person and the justice we desire into the hands of God.
That does not happen all at once. Some prayers may begin with little more than, “Lord, I am willing to become willing.” Perhaps that is enough for today.
Loving difficult people does not require you to lose yourself. It means learning to love from a heart anchored in Christ rather than from fear, guilt, resentment, or the need to keep everyone pleased.
You can be gracious and still say no. You can forgive and still remember what wisdom has taught you. You can pray for someone without placing yourself back into harm’s way. And you can release another person to God without allowing bitterness to follow you into the future.
A Call to Action
This week, think of one person you find difficult to love.
Bring that person honestly before God. You do not need to minimize what happened or pretend the relationship is healthy. Ask God to protect your heart from bitterness, show you where a boundary may be needed, and help you take one faithful step toward loving that person with both grace and wisdom.
Questions to Sit With
Who is the difficult person God may be asking me to love with greater patience and grace?
How might my own hurt, pride, or expectations be shaping the way I see this person?
What would it look like to love this person without excusing harmful or inappropriate behavior?
What is one practical step I can take this week to reflect the love of Christ toward them?
Closing Prayer
Lord Jesus,
You know the people I struggle to love and the wounds I still carry. Keep bitterness from taking root in my heart. Give me grace to forgive, wisdom to establish healthy boundaries, and courage to speak the truth with love.
Teach me to pray for those who have hurt me without denying what happened or losing myself in the process. Help me release them into Your care and trust You with what I cannot change.
Amen.
Benediction
May the Lord guard your heart from bitterness
and fill you with the steady love of Christ.
May He give you grace to forgive,
wisdom to establish healthy boundaries,
and courage to speak the truth with kindness.
And as you release difficult people into His care,
may you walk forward with a heart that is free,
a spirit that is peaceful,
and a life still shaped by love.
Go in peace.
Song To Sit With
“The Power of the Cross” by Keith and Kristyn Getty reminds us that Jesus did not respond to His enemies with hatred or revenge. Even as He suffered, He extended mercy and made forgiveness possible. The cross gives us the clearest picture of Matthew 5:44: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” We love and forgive because Christ first loved and forgave us.
When leaders feel compelled to appear strong, certain, and unaffected, the people they serve often conclude that their own grief, anxiety, exhaustion, and emotional struggles must also remain hidden. Silence then becomes part of the church’s culture, and those who need care may become afraid to ask for it.
This is one reason I wrote Shepherding Minds. Churches need leaders who are willing to acknowledge their humanity: their grief, stress, limitations, and need for support. Emotional honesty does not diminish spiritual leadership; it makes that leadership more credible, compassionate, and safe. When pastors model appropriate vulnerability and seek help when needed, they give others permission to speak honestly, receive support, and experience the church as a genuine community of care.
Shepherding Minds continues to move steadily toward launch. The eBook has now been uploaded, and I am waiting for one final piece of the paperback before uploading that edition as well. After I receive that, the countdown begins!
As the publication date approaches, I’ve also created The Shepherding Minds Field Guide, a free, practical resource designed to help churches begin wiser, healthier conversations about mental health and shared care. You can download it for free. And if your church would like help exploring or building a Shepherding Minds Care Team, I’d be glad to hear from you by voice message or at jim@thechaplainwriter.com.
Shepherding Minds Field Guide
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Download the free Field Guide (PDF).
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About The Author
James E. Leary, D.Min. (Jim) is a hospice chaplain, former pastor, and author of Embracing Gethsemane: Navigating Life’s Darkest Moments, available on Amazon for readers who want to explore these themes more deeply. He writes weekly at The Chaplain Writer Digest, offering thoughtful spiritual reflections and practical encouragement for everyday faith.
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